Miss Lemon.
It's me, Kenneth Parcell, the page.
You probably didn't recognize me in this new page uniform.
I recognize you, Kenneth.
The old uniforms were timeless, practical, sexy.
But this?.
This is an outrage.
You need to make them go back to the old uniform.
Well, I don't have that kind of authority.
Then what do you do?.!
Hey!
I just got a call from security.
That's ridiculous. Why would I steal a file from personnel?.
What?.
No, Claire is in the lobby.
Claire Harper?. From Chicago?.
Yup. Fun, crazy Claire.
Oh, man! Do you remember that night we all danced in the open fire hydrant?.
Yeah! Her roof parties?.
Karaoke in Boystown?.
The all-night scavenger hunts?.
Do you remember when we crashed that Polish wedding?.
[Laughs]
Yeah, she's exhausting.
Ugh, I know. She's gonna make us buy more of her homemade jewelry.
Birds always attack me when I wear it.
I am not letting her drag me out to some club tonight.
I am too old for that.
Up or down, ladies?.
Neither, we're waiting for our old roommate.
She's like a human "Macarena":
something everyone did at parties in 1 996.
Mee-ow.
You're right, that was harsh.
No, "Mi Au."
She owns the largest alternative energy company in Asia.
So as part of our Green Initiative,
we're doing a reality show about her quest for a boyfriend.
Wow.
Here comes Claire. I'm already tired.
[Shrieks]
Surprise! I'm designing hats now!
Oh, hats!
Oh, Claire, this is my boss, Jack Donaghy.
Hi, there.
Welcome to New York, let's see...
We're using credit cards in cabs now.
All the galleries have moved to Chelsea.
And we're off cupcakes and back to donuts.
Would you excuse me for a moment, please?.
So girls, what are we doing tonight?.
You know, the baggage handler told me about this storage unit party
that's on the Lower East Side.
Starts about midnight.
It's sponsored by Myirt Vodka and some drug dealer.
But the only rule is that we all have to DJ!
I mean, it's gonna be so much fun!
[All shriek]
What's wrong, Ken?. You've got "wife eyes".
I'm just sad, sir.
I've worn this old jacket since nineteen -- [incoherent]
And now they're just throwing it away.
Is there nothing sacred?.
Have we lost our moral center?.
It just makes me want to pee on someone.
And I appreciate that, sir.
But rules are rules. I'm just gonna have to live with it.
I hate to see you like this, Ken Doll.
It's like an owl without a graduation cap.
Heartbreaking!
So what can I buy you to make you happy?.
The things I want don't have a price tag, sir.
Money can't buy a sunset. Or a child's smile.
Or a satisfying finale to the hit NBC series "Night Court".
Court?. At night?.
I'm already laughing! Tell me more.
Well, "Night Court" was supposed to end with a wedding
between Christine and Harry.
But the show didn't get a 10th season
so that great love story was left untold.
So you never got closure with those beloved characters?.
Did you see our shout-out in Variety?. They called us a comedy show!
Lemon, I ran into your friend Claire in the elevator.
She is very pretty.
No, no, no. She is nuts when it comes to guys.
We had a name for her in Chicago...
It's...
too rude to say out loud.
"Crazyputty"?.
No.
She's psycho. She is Fatal Attraction.
She is staunchly in favor of Cocoa Puffs.
Do not sleep with her.
I wish you had told me that an hour ago.
What?.
Claire: Oh, hey, Liz.
Jack was just...
giving me directions to the F train.
So are we still on for tonight?.
Because it is going to be epic.
I can't, I...
volunteer at a thing with...
kids and old people.
Bring 'em!
See ya!
What were you thinking?. Some woman you've known for 10 seconds in the elevator?.
I don't see what the problem is. This is objectively awesome.
You don't understand. For her, sex isn't something you have to do
after the 1 2th date.
She uses it to suck men in and bleed them dry.
Back in Chicago, I saw her take powerful men down.
Didn't matter if it was Scottie Pippen, or the drummer for the BoDeans
...or someone else's boyfriend who ran a small but prestigious clowning academy.
Whose boyfriend?.
Uh-huh, I get it. The fun, pretty girl who got the guys, some of them yours.
No, listen to me, she's not "fun." She's just crazy.
Like, grab a cop's gun crazy.
Lemon, having known Claire for a very enjoyable 20 minutes,
and you for what feels like infinity, I'm gonna go with Claire on this one.
Tracy: Ready for your big surprise?.
Yes, sir.
Gosh, the last time I was blindfolded
was when I had to play the piano at that weird masquerade party.
Ta-da!
[Shrieks]
Some of the cast of Night Court!
That's right, K. And they're here for you.
This is the sick kid you were telling us about?.
Oh, bless your heart. Do you like racecars?.
I do!
Thank you, Mr. Jordan! This is the greatest day of my life!
First I find that quarter this morning --
Uh, I lost a quarter. Earlier.
[Glass chiming]
Everyone-- To Mi Au.
May tonight's fundraiser for your Fundraising Foundation be as successful
as last week's cocktail reception for your rehab center.
[Applause]
Claire: Jack 's just being modest.
He won 't tell you...
But I will!
Today is Jack 's birthday.
Hit it, boys!
??? Happy Birthday... ???
??? to you... ???
??? Happy birthday... ???
??? to you... ???
??? Happy birth- ???
??? -day... ???
??? dear... ???
??? Jackie Bear... ???
??? Happy birthday... ???
??? to him. ???
[Applause]
[Laughter]
Jack, introduce me to this charming, young woman.
I am his life coach, Esmeralda Fitzmonster --
Would you excuse us, just for a moment please?.
How did you get in here?.
And first of all, it's not my birthday --
I know. Isn't that funny?.
What?. Oh, come on, are you mad?.
I'm just being fun and spontaneous.
This is highly inappropriate. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Hey! If I kill myself it is all your fault!
[Crowd gasps]
[Forced laughter]
??? [Quartet plays] ???
[Door closes]
You were right about Claire.
She crashed Mi Au's party.
Uh-huh. Did she do "Sexy birthday" or "Mannequin who comes to life"?.
"Sexy birthday", thank God!
This is bad. I need your help.
When we were having sex at the Palace, she said she loved me.
You did it again?.
Well, it was quick and in the meat locker. That's okay, right?.
What is it with you men?. You're like junkies. Why can't you just say no?.
Lemon, let me explain something you could have no way of knowing.
Emotionally unstable women are...
fantastic in the sack. I mean their self-loathing...
translates into...
Nevermind.
I've got to get out of this. What do other guys do?.
Well, one guy died.
Scottie Pippen requested a trade to Houston.
Houston's too humid. What about this "died" thing?.
Ugh... Where is she now?.
Chained to the radiator in her hotel room.
It was her idea. She's an amazing woman, Lemon.
OK, I need to keep you two separated.
I can't believe I'm gonna say this:
I will go clubbing with Claire.
I will attempt a hair-do.
I will wear high heels.
Claire's wearing high heels right now.
Go home, junkie. I'm cutting off your supply.
She leaves Thursday. Do you think you can make it through one night?.
I just gotta hack it... I just gotta hack it...
Tracy: My boy Ken has written a masterpiece.
And trust me, I use that word a lot.
I just want to thank y'all for making this dream come true for me.
Finally giving America what it wants.
A reunion of friends... from "Night Court".
And the wedding of Harry and Christine!
Before we begin...
I would just like to say how special it is
to be with you all again, my very special family.
I just wish the brilliant John Larroquette could be here as well.
Yeah, he really did want to come, but he couldn't work the schedule out.
You and John still talk?.
We stay in touch, yeah.
Did he mention me?
You came up, Markie.
You always come up, Markie!
Well, of course I come up at your little boys' club.
You always thought you were better than me because you got nominated for Emmys.
Well, I would have too, but I was too hot to be taken seriously!
Well, that wouldn't be a problem now, would it?.
Mmm-hmmm.
Court is adjourned.
This is worse than the original finale! What are we gonna do?.
I don't know, Ken. This is bad.
I wish this were an episode of Night Court
'cause then there'd be some big joke right now.
Oh, that is so hot!
You just look good in everything.
[Laughs] I want to buy some hats.
Yes!
Hey! You're selling hats in the office!
I am. And I didn't ask because I knew you'd say yes.
So...
What's the haps?. What are we doing tonight?.
Hitting a clizz-ub with Jenna?.
You know I'd love to, but I kinda have tentative plans.
What, with Jack?. Come on. He's like the first guy you met here.
Roll with us tonight and you will meet someone even hotter.
Really?.
Guaranteed. Like I was at this club last week called...
...Chili's
And I met this smoking guy.
He was just raw.
Tell me everything.
I'm going to. He was wearing this shirt.
And I could totally see his nips.
And he was very muscular.
Really!
Did you go home with him?.
Yes. To his loft.
Where he gave me the business.
So let's go dancing in high heels!
OK, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna blow off Jack.
Where should we go?.
You guys should go to Aquarium.
It's this new night club, and all the women are in a glass room on the dance floor
and all the guys just watch and feed them.
That sounds so hot!
Yes, thank you, Cerie. That's very helpful.
Thank you. So helpful.
You have to go through with this wedding, Harry.
It means the world to my boy Ken.
Hey, I am game. But it's Markie.
She will not let go of the past.
Okay.
So you and Markeline have bad blood. But it's bigger than that.
My boy Kenneth is going through some really tough times.
They're trying to make him wear a coat
that's different than his other coat.
Tracy: You won't regret this, Harry. You look great.
Markie, will you do me the honor of becoming my fake wife
so we can get our money and get the hell out of here?.
I've waited 1 5 years to hear you say those words.
[Kenneth squeals] It's happening! Nothing can go wrong now.
[Applause]
??? [Club music] ???
There you are.
Why'd you leave?.
I think those Persian guys wanted us to make out together.
I'm waiting for Claire. She texted me like an hour ago
and said that she was getting on the F train --
Oh, no.
What?. What is it?.
[Phone rings]
Lemon?.
Jack! She's in your house.
[Laughs] Don't be ridiculous.
The alarm is--
I made you a white pizza and a pot roast
because I just think you're so amazing...
Look at me, playing house!
My God, you must think I'm out of my mind! [Laughter]
Do you?.
You just looked away when I said that! I saw you!
No.
[Plates crash]
Just kiss me. I know your lips will be honest.
[Cloth ripping]
Lemon, I gotta call you back.
Now, when we left off, Christine was stuck in the elevator,
Mac had two dates on the same night,
and Harry just discovered he was adopted.
So let's turn to page two.
Jenna: Well, well, well a Night Court reunion.
Funny how I wasn't invited. Or had you forgotten my three-episode arc
as Public Defender Sparky Monroe?.
No, we remember, Jenna. You were the werewolf lawyer.
I can prove my client is innocent. If only it weren't a full "mooon"!
You made us jump the shark!
You're the reason we didn't have a 10th season.
I had just bought my second home when they brought that idiot werewolf lawyer in.
Uh, that "idiot werewolf" paid for my hand reduction surgery, Okay?.
Kenneth, I can't believe you're such a Night Court fan
and didn't know I played the werelawyer.
I knew.
Very well.
I can take a hint.
But you haven't seen the last of Sparky Monroe!
Liz, help me.
Jack, what happened last night?.
Why are you wearing that hat?.
I don't know.
You did it again?.
I can't help it.
I'm under a lot of pressure, and Claire is my escape.
She is like a drug: I crave her all the time even though I know she's bad for me.
And my teeth are getting loose!
I don't think I can get out of this.
Maybe Claire's right.
Maybe if we had a baby together things would calm down.
Jack, this is what she does.
She sucks you into her craziness, and you have to fight it.
You have to step up and end this.
I'm scared, Lemon.
I'll do whatever you say.
Okay.
Oh, what a surprise.
What are you two chatting about?.
Actually, Claire, we were talking about you.
And Jack has something he'd like to tell you.
I do.
I'd like to suck that ring right off your toe.
...just gotta hack it...
Oh please, stop. Don't make that angry Muppet face at him.
I know what you were trying to do last night.
You were trying to keep me away from Jack.
And you almost fooled me.
But then I remembered something.
You don't like to have fun.
And now your little plan is backfiring.
And Jack is seeing the manipulative you.
The Single White Female thing that you have with me.
I don't have a Single White Female thing with you!
Honey, you moved into my building.
You always wore chokers because I wore chokers.
- I like a choker... - Yes...
You dated that clown.
Joel Sucheki.
First! I dated him first, Claire.
And he was not "that clown" he was "the" head clowning instructor.
Hmm.
I'm not doing this.
I am only here because Jack is my friend, and he asked me for support.
Yes, right. That's what I'm saying.
We all want what's best for Jack, right?.
So why don't we just get this three-way on?.
- No! - No!...
...right?. That's a bad idea, right?.
Well, I tried to be the adult.
And if only one of us can have him, it's gonna be me.
Jack, you wanted out of this.
Break the cycle! You have a choice. You can choose Claire, or --
Claire, I would like Claire.
Fine, I am done helping you.
And when you hit rock bottom, which you will,
I am not gonna bail you out.
I'm deleting you from my phone!
Password?. What?.
Hey, Tracy and Kenneth won't put me in the "Night Court" finale
they're shooting on stage tonight.
What?.
I know! I'm the werelawyer.
Objection!
Here we go again...
Harry: Tell me about it.
The last time I saw either of you,
there was a problem with the page uniforms.
A problem that persists, Liz Lemon.
Hey, are you with network?.
How about if Heroes had this new character,
and his super power was close-up magic?.
What?. No. Big fan, by the way.
You are breaking union rules, our insurance doesn't cover any of this,
and you are potentially infringing on Warner Brothers' intellectual property.
Shut this down.
I want a different answer. Where's Jack Donaghy?.
No. There's no more Jack. He's dead to us.
Break this down!
Everybody out!
I'm sorry.
Can I say something?.
Absolutely not.
The only crime any of us is guilty of is caring for one another.
Mr. Jordan, who tried to cheer me up.
These wonderful actors
who tried to make a young man's dream come true.
If there is a law against friendship,
then lock me up.
But if there isn't,
then the show must go onward!
What?.
Ken, you did it! You changed her mind!
No. No he didn't!
Stop group hugging! Who does that?.
??? [Club music] ???
Isn't this great?.
We're together.
We're in line to get into a club.
I have my glowstick...
Uh-huh, yeah.
There's no more Liz trying to keep us apart.
No more drama.
No more sneaking around,
or recording our intimate moments to leave on Liz's voicemail.
What?.
I don't even know what this is anymore.
Are we boring?. Are we some sexless couple that sits in silence
at a fish place on a Sunday night at 5:00?.
Because if we are, I will kill myself.
What?. No! We're exciting. We're having fun.
Yeah?.
You really want to have fun, Jack?.
Yes! Let's do something wild.
You like it when I get naughty, Jack?.
Yeah...
Where the hell did you --?.
Crazyputty!
Hey! The guy in the cool, cool hat has a gun!
Drop it! Now!
- He has a gun! - No, no, no, no!
Run, Jack!
She's crazyputty!
Run, Jack!
Well, it's been quite a night.
And it's been quite a court...ship.
So by the power vested in me by the State of New York,
I hereby pronounce us
Mr. and Mrs. Judge Harry T. Stone.
And I may now kiss the bride.
Uh-oh...
It's almost a full "mooon"!
Yeah...
And as my first official act as a newly married judge,
I hereby declare the new page uniforms at NBC illegal!
I added that. I went upstairs and told them,
if they didn't go back to the old uniforms
I refuse to play the role of Mac
in Universal's upcoming Night Court movie.
What's that now?.
Thank you, Mr. Jordan!
Are you okay?.
I thank you very much.
[Sighs] Lemon...
Real night court is not like the TV show.
Remember that TV show?.
I do.
I mean, the hookers are not funny.
There's a lot more sickly homeless people and terrified college students...
Thanks for bailing me out. Claire threw my wallet down a storm drain.
Ah.
Lemon, I'm sorry I...
I'm just glad you're okay.
Well, thank you for answering your phone.
Well, I don't know how to decline a call.
Claire used to punch me in the face.
Ugh...
No, Lemon, I'm done. I swear.
Hey, try this on.
That's a good look for you.
You like that?. It's yours.
Little Lewis Carrol here.